What if I never identify my trauma, fears, insecurities and bad habits? What if I never decide to meet them face to face? What if not working on myself stopped me from having all I ever dreamed of.
These are big questions, necessary questions, as I said growth is painful. This past year I have been forced to study myself, study my actions and the choices I have made and ask myself what part of my pain I have contributed to.
We water our plants, we feed out pets, we care for them and they grow. Show yourself some care and watch what happens.
The first thing I realized was that my depression was in full swing once more, hence the not getting out of bed, suicidal thoughts and just never being able to see a way out of any situation.
The Gift Of Therapy
Due to a combination of factors that I thank God for, I ended up in therapy. It changed my life tremendously. Being able to just openly discuss my fears, struggles and pain without judgment was such a relief.
Yes, friends are great, and they are important in helping me along this journey, but professional help is needed. While friends usually offer opinions and can be affected by their own experiences, the therapist takes themselves out of the equation and guide you towards asking yourself, how you can help yourself.
They don't offer quick fixes and won't encourage you in anything just because they think it's what you want to hear. Plus, the fact that they are professionals allows you to open up even in a way you may be afraid to talk to even your best friend, family or partner. My
During therapy, I have been able to dig deep within myself and now I can identify most of my fears, most of my negative traits and I can also identify and celebrate my positive ones.
Another thing I discovered through therapy also is that the process is very painful and lengthy and that it only works if I remain committed to my growth and healing.
Issues of family issues, sexual abuse, self-esteem, relationships, and even religion I have been able to dissect and look at from a different point of view. Before I felt I had to just accept my circumstances and whatever was thrown my way. Through therapy I've learned to speak up, I've found a sense of self and my self-esteem has grown. I've become happier overall, I still get bad days but in general, my outlook on life has improved.
Growth Requires Lost
Every Fall the leaves drop to the ground. Losing is a part of growth.
In case no one has ever told you this, growth causes you to lose people and things. Lol! I wish it would let me just automatically lose a few pounds, but that is another story for another post. My growth has made me demand what I deserve when my self-esteem improved, I realized I had been settling and tolerating a lot of substandard treatment in multiple relationships. As my sense of my value grew, I started noticing people becoming more short-tempered with my, finding fault constantly, criticizing and even in my romantic relationship trying to manipulate me.
My eyes have truly been opened to what is healthy and safe for me and what isn't. Some friendships (sitautionships) have been cut and some have begun having work done to repair them while the most prominent one has come to a screaming end.
Pre-therapy going through a breakup I would have been a mess, crying, not eating, feeling rejected and so much more. Now, I don’t even feel sad about it, I have not cried and do not intend to. I'll write a poem, let my grief out and keep it rolling. I had long since outgrown the person but allowed myself at my expense to be drawn into it, then finally, like J-Lo I had just had enough.
I take every single change in my life as a blessing, as an opportunity for growth and improvements, even the seeming setbacks. Free is the only thing I'm feeling. Free to continue growing, free to love myself, free to keep striving for my goals, free to be open to any good opportunities.
Face it!
Hurt is real, trauma is real, mental health issues are real. We all encounter them at some time in life to varying degrees. If you recognize anything within yourself that seems broken or troubled, if people around you are constantly pointing out one particular trait that is problematic and causes you to have drama or anger in your relationships, take a look within.
Will it be easy? Absolutely, not! Will you get scared or ashamed? Yes! For sure. Will it be worth it? Definitely! Every tear, every ah-ha moment, every OMG I can't believe I did/said/felt/tolerated that, but I promise you if you self-evaluate, if you recognize that you need help and seek it, or support a loved through the process, you will open the door to an amazing life.
Àṣẹ
Faith
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